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Wednesday August 22, 2007
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As promised last week we discussed guilt:
In general there are three kinds of shame:
1. Humiliation
2. Violation
3. Guilt
Humiliation is when I do something that humiliates me. For example, I’m walking in a crowd and I slip on a banana peal and land flat on my back. I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t being bad. It’s just embarrassing. I'm humbled.
Violation is when for example, I’m at a dinner party and I’m looking for kitchen or the restroom and I accidentally walk into the host’s bedroom. The feeling of embarrassment there is from the knowledge that I’ve overstepped my boundaries. I'm ashamed of my violation.Then there is the feeling of guilt. Guilt is not just shame of having violated.
The Torah and Chasidism use the term “guilt” specifically where there is a damaged relationship. Guilt is the feeling that the relationship I had with you is damaged. I am no longer as desirable to you as I once was.
Good Guilt vs. Bad Guilt
This helps us differentiate between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt.
Healthy guilt, guilt that will heal, is when I feel that I’ve damaged a relationship, that I’ve hurt another, that I’m no longer as lovable as I was before.
Unhealthy guilt is where I don’t which relationship I’ve hurt or I don’t feel that I’ve hurt any relationships, I’m just feeling guilty. That’s unhealthy, pointless guilt.
In fact, if the person I hurt, in their great kindness can find it in their heart to forgive me and to love me as before but I still feel guilty that’s also unhealthy guilt, in that case I’m just being glutton for guilt. The feelings of healthy guilt should be put to rest by forgiveness.
(Herein lays the answer to people who are feeling (unhealthy) guilt in cases where there was no violation or transgression on their part, for example in the case of abuse victims. These people don’t need to hear, “It’s not your fault.” That’s not going to cure the guilt.
What they need to hear is, “It doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Or better yet, “I can love you just as much!” This is more believable than “it doesn’t matter”. It does matter but my love for you is bigger than being damaged by what happened.)
Forgiving Shame
This idea, of three kinds of shame, is reflected in the prayers of Yom Kippur. On Yom Kippur we ask G-d for forgiveness. Interestingly, though, there are three words for forgiveness, M’chilah, Slichah and Kaparah. Now we say these words over and over again and again throughout the Yom Kippur prayers but they mean the same thing.By now you might have surmised that each of these three types of forgiveness forgives another type of shame.
M’chilah is what we generally know as forgiveness. In other words, “I feel like a fool because last year I promised to control myself and I failed. I’m humbled, humiliated and I’m asking you to forgive my stupidity.”
Slicha means to overlook the sin. In other words, “I know I’ve overstepped my boundaries and I’m no longer as deserving of your love as before but I ask you to forgive me by overlooking that violation and bringing me close to you anyway.”
Kapara is cleansing. There is a violation which is damaging but we’re going to do away with that damage and become as close as before. In fact we’ll be even closer than before because post-violation has to be a stronger bond than pre-violation.
Incidentally it’s the Kapara which is the most fundamental, which is where Yom Kippur gets its name, Kippur being from the same word as Kapara. It’s a day of cleansing, of mending a violated relationship.
Those were the thoughts I shared on the air, I thought that I had lost my audience but Charlie Freedman (host of the happy hour show on KSCO) called and said, “The ideas you’ve spun out are like a flower that keeps opening and opening, and we keep listening and seeing more and more. Your explanation of the difference between guilt and humiliation I found tremendously elucidating and the idea of healthy vs. unhealthy guilt very valuable.” Thanks Charlie.
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Shalom!
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Wednesday August 15, 2007
Today we discussed repentance. I chose this topic because we’ve just commenced the Jewish month of Elul, the last month of the Jewish year. In Judaism the thirty days before every holiday is traditionally prep time and the month of Elul is the thirty days before the High Holidays, the days of judgment and repentance.
We should now be evaluating our relationship with our Maker.
Mending this relationship used to consist of roving preachers painting pictures of hell for the people warning that this was their only hope if they don’t repent.
The Baal Shem Tov and Chassidus taught us is that if you ever find yourself in a spiritual dilemma you can get your answer by comparing your relationship with G-d to an ordinary marriage. Ask yourself, “Would doing this result in a healthy marriage or not?”
Repenting or returning to G-d means returning to a committed relationship. Last year we committed to give G-d our undivided attention. During the year we got distracted by all the things listed in Oprah's list of twenty questions (see below)! Now it’s time to recommit, to begin to love again, to respect again and to focus on what He needs.
A man once read in a magazine that a good husband brings his wife flowers everyday. So he bought flowers on his way home. His wife thanked him but gently explained that she doesn’t like flowers. He said he understood and that it was OK. But the next day he came home with flowers and again the next despite his wife’s protests. This man was trying so hard to be a “Good Husband” but in realty he wasn’t being a husband at all. He was giving her what HE felt she would want not what she actually needed.
So if you think going to Shul and beating your chest is just because you feel you are lacking and this will make you a better person, don’t even bother. That’s not what being devoted is, that’s just being selfish, self centered.
I gave an example of why our society is going ... in a hand basket. It’s this article by Oprah Winfrey, “Questions to ask before you get married.”
It’s not until the 14th question that she talks about family at all. No, it’s all about money! Here you have a well-respected celebrity telling us to treat dating for marriage like job interviews…
Then we discussed how to get our minds to control or “rule over” our emotions.
Michael called and said, “I’ve been giving G-d what I thought He would want, you’ve uprooted that notion for me. You’ve given me peace.”
Join us next Wednesday at 7pm for “Guilt: a healthy reflex.”
Until then,
Shalom
We should now be evaluating our relationship with our Maker.
Mending this relationship used to consist of roving preachers painting pictures of hell for the people warning that this was their only hope if they don’t repent.
The Baal Shem Tov and Chassidus taught us is that if you ever find yourself in a spiritual dilemma you can get your answer by comparing your relationship with G-d to an ordinary marriage. Ask yourself, “Would doing this result in a healthy marriage or not?”
Repenting or returning to G-d means returning to a committed relationship. Last year we committed to give G-d our undivided attention. During the year we got distracted by all the things listed in Oprah's list of twenty questions (see below)! Now it’s time to recommit, to begin to love again, to respect again and to focus on what He needs.
A man once read in a magazine that a good husband brings his wife flowers everyday. So he bought flowers on his way home. His wife thanked him but gently explained that she doesn’t like flowers. He said he understood and that it was OK. But the next day he came home with flowers and again the next despite his wife’s protests. This man was trying so hard to be a “Good Husband” but in realty he wasn’t being a husband at all. He was giving her what HE felt she would want not what she actually needed.So if you think going to Shul and beating your chest is just because you feel you are lacking and this will make you a better person, don’t even bother. That’s not what being devoted is, that’s just being selfish, self centered.
I gave an example of why our society is going ... in a hand basket. It’s this article by Oprah Winfrey, “Questions to ask before you get married.”
It’s not until the 14th question that she talks about family at all. No, it’s all about money! Here you have a well-respected celebrity telling us to treat dating for marriage like job interviews…
Then we discussed how to get our minds to control or “rule over” our emotions.
Michael called and said, “I’ve been giving G-d what I thought He would want, you’ve uprooted that notion for me. You’ve given me peace.”
Join us next Wednesday at 7pm for “Guilt: a healthy reflex.”
Until then,
Shalom
Wednesday August 8, 2007
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On the show last week we discussed sacrifice and in response I received the following question in my email:
You hear all the time about suicide bombers sacrificing their lives to demonstrate their devotion to Islam. Do they deserve respect for dying for their beliefs? If not why do those Jews who gave up their lives under Stalin or the Inquisition? How do you distinguish between genuine, holy sacrifice and this?
We answered that question today.
Sacrifice must mean giving up something that is precious and of great value to me for something greater. If I trade in my 1998 Buick and for the newest model that is not self-sacrifice, that’s called trading up. The same applies if I believe there is any benefit for me as a result of my actions. If I believe that my sacrifice will bring reward or will enrich my life that’s not self-sacrifice, that’s self-interest.
So for a Muslim to say, “I’ll fly a big airplane into a tall building to kill those who aren’t Muslim and then I’ll go to paradise” that’s not sacrifice because there is a reward, he is simply “trading up” for a better life.
What then is genuine sacrifice?
Life is defined by its purpose. If in order to continue living I have to violate the very purpose for which I live, than I sacrifice life for its own purpose, not for my own comfort. The purpose of the life I am living is to sanctify the Creator’s reputation, to give G-d a voice in this world and to make this world a holier place. If I have to violate any of those in order to continue living then I give up my most precious commodity, life, for the greater purpose, the reason I was created.
When we die do we go to a better place? The answer is no. Heaven is a more comfortable place, an easier existence, a place without pain but Heaven is not better than Earth in terms of good vs. bad. In fact in terms of good vs. bad Earth is far better for as long as we are on Earth our existence has purpose (the best thing you can give a person). Once we die and go to Heaven we’ve gone away from that purpose.
So to say that heaven is better than Earth is to put G-d in our service, placing our comfort over His purpose. Thus no person who claims to be a servant of G-d can say “Heaven is a better place” for that would completely wipe away his sense of servitude.
You see, this notion has turned religion sour. I’m not pointing at any specific religion because I think we’re all guilty of this. All of the heinous crimes perpetrated in the name of religion were founded on this notion that when heaven is better than earth. We must do with this notion and realize that the very best place for a person to be is here on Earth where we can be of service to our fellow man and to G-d.
Benny’s musical clip of the week was Al Kol Eileh by Yoram Gaon. To sample or purchase Yoram’s album click here.
You hear all the time about suicide bombers sacrificing their lives to demonstrate their devotion to Islam. Do they deserve respect for dying for their beliefs? If not why do those Jews who gave up their lives under Stalin or the Inquisition? How do you distinguish between genuine, holy sacrifice and this?
We answered that question today.
Sacrifice must mean giving up something that is precious and of great value to me for something greater. If I trade in my 1998 Buick and for the newest model that is not self-sacrifice, that’s called trading up. The same applies if I believe there is any benefit for me as a result of my actions. If I believe that my sacrifice will bring reward or will enrich my life that’s not self-sacrifice, that’s self-interest.
So for a Muslim to say, “I’ll fly a big airplane into a tall building to kill those who aren’t Muslim and then I’ll go to paradise” that’s not sacrifice because there is a reward, he is simply “trading up” for a better life.What then is genuine sacrifice?
Life is defined by its purpose. If in order to continue living I have to violate the very purpose for which I live, than I sacrifice life for its own purpose, not for my own comfort. The purpose of the life I am living is to sanctify the Creator’s reputation, to give G-d a voice in this world and to make this world a holier place. If I have to violate any of those in order to continue living then I give up my most precious commodity, life, for the greater purpose, the reason I was created.
When we die do we go to a better place? The answer is no. Heaven is a more comfortable place, an easier existence, a place without pain but Heaven is not better than Earth in terms of good vs. bad. In fact in terms of good vs. bad Earth is far better for as long as we are on Earth our existence has purpose (the best thing you can give a person). Once we die and go to Heaven we’ve gone away from that purpose.
So to say that heaven is better than Earth is to put G-d in our service, placing our comfort over His purpose. Thus no person who claims to be a servant of G-d can say “Heaven is a better place” for that would completely wipe away his sense of servitude.
You see, this notion has turned religion sour. I’m not pointing at any specific religion because I think we’re all guilty of this. All of the heinous crimes perpetrated in the name of religion were founded on this notion that when heaven is better than earth. We must do with this notion and realize that the very best place for a person to be is here on Earth where we can be of service to our fellow man and to G-d.
Benny’s musical clip of the week was Al Kol Eileh by Yoram Gaon. To sample or purchase Yoram’s album click here.
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