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As promised last week we discussed guilt:
In general there are three kinds of shame:
1. Humiliation
2. Violation
3. Guilt
Humiliation is when I do something that humiliates me. For example, I’m walking in a crowd and I slip on a banana peal and land flat on my back. I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t being bad. It’s just embarrassing. I'm humbled.
Violation is when for example, I’m at a dinner party and I’m looking for kitchen or the restroom and I accidentally walk into the host’s bedroom. The feeling of embarrassment there is from the knowledge that I’ve overstepped my boundaries. I'm ashamed of my violation.Then there is the feeling of guilt. Guilt is not just shame of having violated.
The Torah and Chasidism use the term “guilt” specifically where there is a damaged relationship. Guilt is the feeling that the relationship I had with you is damaged. I am no longer as desirable to you as I once was.
Good Guilt vs. Bad Guilt
This helps us differentiate between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt.
Healthy guilt, guilt that will heal, is when I feel that I’ve damaged a relationship, that I’ve hurt another, that I’m no longer as lovable as I was before.
Unhealthy guilt is where I don’t which relationship I’ve hurt or I don’t feel that I’ve hurt any relationships, I’m just feeling guilty. That’s unhealthy, pointless guilt.
In fact, if the person I hurt, in their great kindness can find it in their heart to forgive me and to love me as before but I still feel guilty that’s also unhealthy guilt, in that case I’m just being glutton for guilt. The feelings of healthy guilt should be put to rest by forgiveness.
(Herein lays the answer to people who are feeling (unhealthy) guilt in cases where there was no violation or transgression on their part, for example in the case of abuse victims. These people don’t need to hear, “It’s not your fault.” That’s not going to cure the guilt.
What they need to hear is, “It doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Or better yet, “I can love you just as much!” This is more believable than “it doesn’t matter”. It does matter but my love for you is bigger than being damaged by what happened.)
Forgiving Shame
This idea, of three kinds of shame, is reflected in the prayers of Yom Kippur. On Yom Kippur we ask G-d for forgiveness. Interestingly, though, there are three words for forgiveness, M’chilah, Slichah and Kaparah. Now we say these words over and over again and again throughout the Yom Kippur prayers but they mean the same thing.By now you might have surmised that each of these three types of forgiveness forgives another type of shame.
M’chilah is what we generally know as forgiveness. In other words, “I feel like a fool because last year I promised to control myself and I failed. I’m humbled, humiliated and I’m asking you to forgive my stupidity.”
Slicha means to overlook the sin. In other words, “I know I’ve overstepped my boundaries and I’m no longer as deserving of your love as before but I ask you to forgive me by overlooking that violation and bringing me close to you anyway.”
Kapara is cleansing. There is a violation which is damaging but we’re going to do away with that damage and become as close as before. In fact we’ll be even closer than before because post-violation has to be a stronger bond than pre-violation.
Incidentally it’s the Kapara which is the most fundamental, which is where Yom Kippur gets its name, Kippur being from the same word as Kapara. It’s a day of cleansing, of mending a violated relationship.
Those were the thoughts I shared on the air, I thought that I had lost my audience but Charlie Freedman (host of the happy hour show on KSCO) called and said, “The ideas you’ve spun out are like a flower that keeps opening and opening, and we keep listening and seeing more and more. Your explanation of the difference between guilt and humiliation I found tremendously elucidating and the idea of healthy vs. unhealthy guilt very valuable.” Thanks Charlie.
I must extend a big thank you to our sponsors, just look around the site and you’ll see them all and to encourage anyone who can to join our team of sponsors.
So until next week,
Shalom!
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